THIS ENTRY SUCKS

I was watching a TV commercial (which oddly enough had a small bit of the actual program I wanted to watch interlaced among the advertising crapfest) and saw one in particular that caught my eye. It was in regards to vacuums; something I don't think about all that often. I saw a specific model vacuum that claims stats like "100,000 times the force of gravity". Now, I am no physics major, but the Space Shuttle only kicks down 3Gs on takeoff. 100,000Gs is a big number.

With that in mind it would seem as if this particular vacuum may have a hidden agenda; one for which it was specifically designed: creating gravity wells. Shortly after you purchase said vacuum it may or may not be out of the ordinary to come home to not only a clean house, but an empty one. In the process of "cleaning" house it may or may not be the case that all of your goods are sucked up into the black hole created by 100,000Gs. Have you just purchased one of these vacuums? Are things beginning to disappear from your house and or surrounding property? I think that a dead give away may be how you are inexplicably drawn to where your love seat used to be. Yeah, that may or may not be the singularity created by the vacuum. I am not saying anything, I am just saying.

I can see how this vacuum may be popular within the scientific laboratory environment. Why spend millions developing a particle accelerator when you could modify this vacuum for a scant fraction of the price? To hopefully shed some light on these important questions, I have dispatched the following email to the experts:

To whom it may concern:

While I have a very limited knowledge of the physical sciences (forgive me), I have a couple of questions that may or may not seem out of the ordinary but that I feel should be fielded to the professionals nonetheless.

First, when I came across a commercial for the vacuum that creates suction "100,000 times the force of gravity" I felt that this begs the question: will this vacuum create a black hole in my home? From what I understand the Space Shuttle only feels 3Gs during takeoff and that's a lot of mass to move at such speeds. Am I or my family in any danger of creating singularities in my home ( i.e. will furniture begin to "disappear", will I be inexplicably drawn to certain areas of my home where I vacuumed, etc.)?

Second (and based on the first assumptions), is it safe to call this device not a vacuum, but a particle accelerator? Does the scientific community have a vested interest in this vacuum for it's gravitational properties?

Third, given the above questions, why is it necessary to accelerate pet dander and whatnot to such speeds? Suppose that a bit of dander and say a scrap of macaroni that I errantly dropped on the floor collide; am I in any danger? Will the high-speed collision result in the emission of light ( i.e. should I wear protective eyewear and or sunglasses while using this product)?

Fourth, are there any plans in the works to attach some sort of seating device as well as a control panel so that I may effectively manipulate "where I end up" in the spacetime continuum?

Thank you in advance for answering my distant, odd and (in my opinion) important questions!

V/R,

Knucks.of.Respect

I eagerly await the answers, so stay tuned!

Minus